Why Is It Always About You?

Understanding Narcissism and Its Origins

• Value is always relative, never absolute. From their point of view, if someone else’s stock goes up, theirs automatically goes down. Conversely, if they are feeling deflated, they can reinflate themselves by diminishing, debasing, or degrading someone else. This is the reason why Narcissists are often bossy, judgmental, perfectionistic, and power-hungry. They are simply trying to secure the kind of status that will afford them the most distance from the taint of personal defect and shame. If their balloon gets torn by the ill winds of life, they can repair themselves by showing someone else to be inferior. At times, this can be very subtle.
• The undeflated child turns into an arrogant adult who expects others to serve as constant mirrors of his or her wonderfulness. In positions of power, they can be egotistical tyrants who will have their way without regard for anyone else.
• Exploitation can take many forms but always involves the using of others without regard for their feelings or interests. Often the other is in a subservient position where resistance would be difficult or even impossible.
• Sadly, treatment is often not effective in these cases, because the more narcissistic people are, the more rigid and resistant they are to behavioral change.
• The practicing and rapprochement phases of ages ten to thirty months are the point at which a narcissistic mother who has formed an earlier symbiotic bond with her child has the power to amplify her child’s narcissism, creating a future Narcissist. If she rewards the child’s natural grandiosity and omnipotence because it pleases her, if she fails to urge him gently into a more realistic self-image, the separation-individuation process stops.
• Imagine for a moment that you are driving slowly through a parking lot at the mall when a teenager on a skateboard suddenly appears in your path, causing you to slam on your brakes. You manage to avoid hitting him, but as he sails past, he snarls and yells an obscenity at you. It is he who has been aggressive, showing by his behavior that he fails to accept that others have a right to use the parking lot, but he seems unaware of his own aggression and instead “projects” it onto you, reacting as if you are the one who has violated his entitlement to free and unobstructed access.
• Alongside the frailty and dependency that come with aging, the elderly Narcissist has some special qualities that belong to Narcissists alone. The boundary between their real and defensive needs often becomes quite difficult to discern. Perhaps that is because their defensive needs have never been so desperately real.
• NARCISSISM IN ITS MOST PERVASIVE FORM is a serious mental illness that affects a person’s self-concept, attitudes, moods, behavior, relationships, and prospects for productivity and happiness. It afflicts not only those who carry the diagnosis but also those who live and work with such people, and especially those who love and are dependent on them. There is no pill to make it go away, and it tends to grow worse with age. At its most malignant, it is not even particularly treatable, because to benefit from the psychotherapy that could prove healing, the Narcissist first has to accept that there is something defective about the Self, and that is precisely what he or she cannot do.
• Competitive aggression, the kind in which two or more people apply energy toward a goal that cannot be shared, is a healthy striving that ends when, win or lose, the competition is resolved. In optimal circumstances, both winner and loser benefit from the struggle and can feel a sense of satisfaction in having participated and given their best effort. Perhaps the reason that competitive aggression has gotten such a bad rap in recent decades is that, too often, it doesn’t end when the competition is over. There is something else going on, a meta playing field where one’s very worth as a human being is at stake.
• The child—or adult—who expects to be treated as special is doomed to a lifetime of disappointment and relationship problems when others fail to reflect his or her unreal self-image.

Shame and Its Role in Narcissistic Behavior

• We first experience shame in the eyes of our mother or primary attachment figure, when, starting around the age of one, we bring her (usually) our excitement and, instead of sharing our pleasure, she scowls and says, “No!” Her unexpected disapproval shatters the illusion of power and importance that is how we see ourselves at that early age, derived from our union with her. Without warning, we have been ejected from this paradise, and it can only be because we are bad. We feel bad, therefore we are bad. For some children, this experience, repeated over and over in the course of socialization, is so crushing that they never quite get over it, and they spend their lives avoiding anything that makes them feel ashamed.
• In the Narcissist, shame is so intolerable that the means have been developed not to experience it at all.
• More typically, the shamelessness of the Narcissist comes across as cool indifference or even amorality.
• Shame is the feeling that lurks beneath all unhealthy narcissism, and the inability to process shame in healthy ways to face it, neutralize it, and move on as healthier individuals do--leads to the characteristic postures, attitudes, and behavior of the Narcissist.
• For Narcissists, competition of all kinds is a way to reaffirm superiority, although many will only compete when they anticipate a favorable outcome. Deeply shamed by defeat, they tend to choose arenas in which they can shine without much risk or effort, and when success happens, they may become compulsive in their pursuit of perfection.
• So when you encounter arrogance, it’s not really pride that you’re seeing, it’s a deep and irrational fear of being worthless. The only way to still that fear is to feel important—more important than anyone else, as it turns out.
• To admit to envy would be to acknowledge inferiority, which no good Narcissist would ever do.
• Many of these individuals never come to the attention of mental health professionals because they are too shame-intolerant to recognize their own narcissism and are more inclined to blame others when they are in pain. Even when they seek help, they are more likely to be treated for depression, anxiety, relationship difficulties, or job-related stress than for the Narcissistic Personality Disorder that lies beneath their presenting problems.
• These are the processes that make encounters with Narcissists so uncomfortable and confusing. It truly is difficult to know what is about the other person and what is about you. The healthier you are, the more you are able to examine your own shame, and the more you will be able to figure out which of your buttons have been pushed. If you have difficulty accessing your own feelings or accurately reading others, you may wish to consult with a therapist about this. You cannot control what others do, but you can learn to contain your own reactions once you understand what is going on. Understanding where your feelings originally came from and accepting them as your own is the first step in protecting yourself against the toxic effects of narcissism. When you become comfortable with your own feelings, you will be able to deflect the shame that is triggered by the Narcissist’s internal prism.
• Once you’re pretty sure you’ve identified the piece of the action that is yours, think about how your feelings help the Narcissist manage shame in some way. Try not to personalize what is happening. Although it couldn’t feel more personal, it really is not. You are just a means to an end.
• SHAME, THAT PERVASIVE SENSE of Bad Self that is at the root of all unhealthy narcissism, is among the most intolerable feelings a person can have, no matter what age or circumstance. Often we will do whatever we can to make the feeling go away as quickly as possible. What could be quicker than drugs, alcohol, or any of the other myriad ways we compulsively avoid reality? Experts in the field of addictions widely agree that chronic and pervasive shame is the feeling that drives addictive and compulsive behavior, giving narcissism and addiction an emotional link. Experiencing oneself as flawed is a deep narcissistic wound that can create an overwhelming need for mood-altering experiences.
• Power is the perfect antidote for shame, and the Narcissist sees power as his due.
• A similar process is that of scapegoating. A particular employee becomes the receptacle of off-loaded shame and serves as a shame-regulator for the entire group. Often this is a person who is accustomed to this role, having received early training in the family. One can’t help but wonder why, if this person is so inept, he or she is not simply dismissed. The answer is that such individuals perform an important function in a shame-laden environment. This is someone to whom everyone can feel superior.
• It is no longer a matter of feeling good if you are able to live up to these expectations, it’s about feeling bad if you don’t.
• To the extent that power becomes more secure, the moody Narcissist may have more insulation from the shame that is the principal regulator of bad behavior. The more powerful you are, the more you can get away with.

Relationships with Narcissists

• Be aware of your feelings when in the company of someone who repeatedly evokes shame, discomfort, anger, and especially idealization in you or other people. These feelings can be excellent indicators that you are in the presence of a Narcissist. Once you have recognized whom you are dealing with, you will be in a better position to defend yourself.
• The person who submits to the tyranny of a Narcissist often appears to be an enigma. Why would anyone choose, repeatedly and perpetually, to offer him- or herself as fuel for another’s consuming need for inflation, and at such a price? Why would someone sacrifice Self so completely for “love”? The nickel answer to this question is that he or she has been programmed to self-effacement and self-abasement by earlier life experiences. Perhaps he had a narcissistic parent and learned to feel worthy only when meeting that person’s needs. Subsequent relationships that recreate the original dynamics seem to offer the possibility of a different outcome. “This time I will be loved for myself,” he hopes. But it’s not in the cards.
• There is an element of altruism in healthy love that mingles self-centeredness with self-sacrifice and concern for the loved one’s feelings and well-being, and sexual contact is more than a search for pleasure—it is also an expression of gratitude for the partner’s love.
• There are only two kinds of people of any use to Narcissists: those who can pump them up and those whom they can put down. The ones who can pump them up may do so either by admiring them or by sharing their own special attributes so the Narcissist can bask in their reflected glow. The ones whom they can put down allow Narcissists either to off-load shame via projection or to feel superior by comparison.
• The person who seemed so capable of feeding their hunger for admiration later becomes a threat, and they need to tear that person down in order to build themselves back up. Whatever Narcissists admire in a loved one also diminishes them and therefore must be detroyed.
• For Narcissists, all relationships are about exploitation, and it’s eat or be eaten. The idea of making themselves vulnerable is no more than an invitation to be used.
• In Christina, Dennis found the perfect mate who perfectly mirrored his grandiosity and omnipotence and completely folded herself into him. Having won her love, his inflation was at first boundless. Love such as Dennis’s is like a drug, a perpetual high that insulates the lover from self-doubt and awareness of personal limits or shortcomings. But to maintain the intoxication, he must be able to control his most prized possession. The means by which the Narcissist controls the loved one are many and varied, a function of individual style, circumstances, and opportunity. They can be as sweetly beguiling as flattery and professions of love, as maddening as the carrot that dangles just beyond reach, as manipulative as the polar opposites of subservience and moral superiority, or as intimidating as a volcano about to explode. The goal is to maintain the obliteration of the loved one’s separateness, the Fusion Delusion.
• When the Narcissist can find support outside the relationship—career, family, friends, or other interests—that keep him or her feeling pumped up, the pressure on the partner may be minimal. But frustrations at work, job loss or retirement, disruptions in other needed relationships, and losses in status or rewards from other pipelines usually lead to more demands on the partner to pick up the slack.
• If my beloved doesn’t always understand me or put my needs first, does that mean he’s unempathic or she’s selfish? If I’m expected to do things I don’t particularly want to do from time to time, does that mean I’m being abused or exploited? Is it wrong to want to be in control? No, no, and no. So how do I know if my love relationship is healthy or narcissistic? The core element of a relationship that is fundamentally narcissistic is the Fusion Delusion, that fantasy that we are, or should be, completely and forever One. Separateness is a threat. Envy lurks around every corner. Boundaries are not respected because they don’t exist to begin with. A power imbalance, with domination on one side and submission on the other, is common, although the partners may swap roles from time to time. This does not make the relationship reciprocal, because genuine mutuality is also nonexistent.
• Only “perfect love” seems safe or exciting enough, or, at the other end of the spectrum, you usually pick inappropriate or unavailable partners.
• Many people fear the loss of idealization in a love relationship. They think they won’t be able to keep love alive without a sense of mystery based on hiding flaws, denying defects, and obscuring unpleasant truths. They need to create and maintain a fantasy world that protects their love from harsh reality.
• Reciprocity is about give and take. Narcissists may think of themselves as givers, but they only give what they want. This is selfish giving, without recognition of what others want or need.
• When you become aware of poor interpersonal boundaries, you are in the presence of a real Narcissist. Be careful.
• Narcissists, who are convinced of their own specialness, often exude a special charm that makes others feel pumped up, too-at least initially. When they shine their light on you, even for only a brief moment, you may walk away feeling happier, more inspired, or just elevated in some indescribable way. It is as if you have been sprinkled with pixie dust, and life just feels a little brighter. This only happens, however, if they want you for something. If they have no use for you, you might as well be invisible. That can be painful, even if you don’t really care about the person, because you see the light shining on others and feel left out of the glow. Your exclusion may have a deflating effect on you. The aura that surrounds the Narcissist often creates envy and competition. You may be aware, on some level, of wanting to be part of what’s going on, regardless of whether you actually like the person or not. The process of being deflated and the opportunity to be inflated (if you can capture the Narcissist’s attention in some positive way) may have all entered your life unbidden. It is within the Narcissist’s power to create this atmosphere simply by manipulating others’ experiences of inflation and deflation. Even if you choose not to participate or react, you cannot help but feel it. Next time you are in the presence of someone whom you suspect is narcissistic, test yourself. Chances are that even if you see through the mask to the insecure person within, you will feel pumped up if that person smiles on you and contemptuous (envious, deflated) if he or she does not.
• The ones who are able to survive and even, sometimes, to prevail in the power world of the Narcissist are those, like the pretty little tabby, who can transcend their own egos and perfect the art of serving the master. Often these are closet Narcissists who are adept at inflating others and redirecting the limelight away from themselves, content to bask in another’s glow. Because they can seamlessly manipulate the Narcissist’s need for admiration, they often acquire a subtle power of their own, which they wield through seduction, suggestion, and influence. They pose no threat, provoke no shame, and cause neither envy nor contempt. They are utterly soothing.
• Understand clearly what you are dealing with. The workplace is not a family environment. Your boss is not a protective father or a nurturing mother, regardless of how the situation has been presented to you. When the power structure is narcissistic, however, your rivalries with coworkers may have a distinctly sibling feel. Try to hold yourself above the fray.
• What this means in practical day-to-day parlance is that you make yourself available to meet certain of their emotional, as well as functional, needs. Without being condescending, you acknowledge their accomplishments and victories, however small. You are noncon-frontational in your dealings with them and avoid shaming them at all costs. That may mean not talking about your own accomplishments or good fortune or those of others among your mutual acquaintances, because to do so triggers envy. To the extent that it is reasonably possible, you allow them to maintain as much control as possible over their own lives. You try to understand them accurately, which may mean not filtering their words and behavior through the prism of your lifelong experience with them or others like them. You avoid assigning blame and manage feelings of hurt, anger, or disappointment apart from them. You do not try to change them at this late stage. You approach them with compassion even when they are being difficult, or you accept that someone else may be better able to deal with these things than you are, even if this disappoints your expectations of yourself. You let go of the hope that this will ever be a reciprocal relationship, and in doing so, you may find the gift of peace, with yourself and with your narcissistic parent.

Setting Boundaries and Survival Strategies

• Guidelines for Survival 1. Be aware of your feelings when in the company of someone who repeatedly evokes shame, discomfort, anger, and especially idealization in you or other people. These feelings can be excellent indicators that you are in the presence of a Narcissist. Once you have recognized whom you are dealing with, you will be in a better position to defend yourself. 2. When you have uncomfortable or intense feelings in the presence of a Narcissist, ask yourself what buttons of yours are being pushed. Remember times past when you have felt this way and, from this more emotionally distant perspective, consider why you respond as you do. Don’t be afraid to look at your own narcissistic vulnerabilities, because this is exactly what will make you stronger. 3. Once you’re pretty sure you’ve identified the piece of the action that is yours, think about how your feelings help the Narcissist manage shame in some way. Try not to personalize what is happening. Although it couldn’t feel more personal, it really is not. You are just a means to an end. 4. You need to find a way to detach from the feeling of diminishment the Narcissist evokes in you. Sometimes it helps to think of this person as being two years old on the inside. 5. When deflecting the shame projected by the Narcissist, resist the urge to retaliate. Don’t try to challenge or enlighten this person either. The Narcissist has a lot at stake in keeping unconscious processes unconscious. If you try to tamper with this, you may escalate the situation to your own detriment or discomfort. 6. It needs to be enough for you to know that you have put the projections back where they belong in your own mind, regardless of how the Narcissist sees the situation. If you have trouble letting that be enough, you may need more personalized assistance to work on this in greater depth. A competent therapist can help.
• Guidelines for Survival 1. Instead of hitching your wagon to the star of a Narcissist, find your own dream. No matter how exciting they seem to be, steer clear of Narcissists and the unreality that surrounds them. The more you get caught up in their fantasies, the more you lose yourself. 2. See people for who they are, not who you want them to be. Idealization of others serves an important function at various times throughout life, but it is childlike thinking—not to mention potentially dangerous—to insist on someone’s goodness, or good intentions, when that person is exploiting or hurting you. The issue is not whether someone is good or bad but whether you can deal with that person’s particular shortcomings. The impact of the bad will not go away just because you don’t want to face it. 3. Learn to accept that if a Narcissist lies, cheats, disrespects or hurts others, betrays confidences, takes advantage, or shows a lack of compassion, sooner or later you can expect to be on the receiving end of that same behavior. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that something special about your relationship will spare you. That fantasy is evidence that you are caught in the narcissistic web and a signal to return to reality. If you must trust a Narcissist who behaves badly, trust that person to behave in narcissistic ways rather than to be “true to you.” 4. Don’t go into a relationship with a Narcissist thinking you are going to change that person, or that he or she will change because of feelings for you. Although people do sometimes change as a result of experiences in relationships, this requires something that the Narcissist lacks, the capacity to respond to compassion with compassion. 5. It is good to dream from time to time, but if you’re inclined to take long vacations from the real world, you may return to find that someone has broken in and ransacked your life while you were away. The best defense against the intrusions and exploitations of the Narcissist is a good solid grasp on your own narcissistic vulnerabilities and an appreciation of your own assets. Practice living in reality and striving to make that as rewarding as your own gifts allow. If you can’t control your own grandiosity or your need to idealize, you may be standing in the way of your own happiness.
• Guidelines for Survival 1. When setting boundaries, the operational word is Control—and we’re talking about yours. Since you’re up against someone who may be far more comfortable with exercising control than you are, think carefully in advance about how you want to proceed. What do you most want to accomplish and in what time frame? What have you tried in the past with this person, and what has and has not worked? What, if anything, is different now? Has there been a change in the power balance between you and the Narcissist? Will that work in your favor or against you? Are there others whom you might enlist to help you? Is it better to operate directly or indirectly? How do you plan to enforce your boundary? Be realistic, but also remember that there are very few situations in life where you are truly powerless. Usually, there is something you can do to improve your lot, but it is important to consider all your options first and then be willing to act. 2. Depending on the nature of your relationship with the Narcissist, which of you has more real power, and how much you are willing to risk, you may or may not want to confront the problem directly. Ordinary assertiveness techniques are often ineffective with Narcissists, because they take it as an assault on their specialness, grandiosity, and entitlement for you to bring to their attention that you are not, in fact, an extension of them and that something they have done, or not done, has upset you. You can also be sure that any confrontation of their dysfunctional behavior will disturb their need to be seen as perfect, evoking shame and its defenses. So if you care about preserving the relationship, you will need to find the gentlest way possible to deliver your message and then deftly repair the shame. Be firm and matter-of-fact, but also kind and respectful. Go ever so lightly with the empathy, however, as this often backfires when perceived as condescending. It’s a good idea to practice what you plan to say with someone you can trust. Hearing yourself speaking the words will give you confidence, and objective feedback will help you polish your “presentation.” 3. It is wise to work through any anger you have toward this person before making your approach. Focus on how much better you will feel when you have taken the necessary steps to protect yourself. Avoid impulsiveness and the urge to retaliate for past wrongs done to you. As satisfying as it may feel in the moment to “unload,” to do so involves a loss of control you can’t afford. Choose the time and place thoughtfully, and try to remain calm, even, and emotionally detached, as you would if you were setting limits with a small child. You will need your wits about you to respond to the Narcissist’s reaction to your boundary-setting. 4. Be prepared for changes in the relationship other than the ones you are requesting. The Narcissist must find some way to cope with the fact that you are taking control of your own life, as this very well may upset his or her internal equilibrium. There may be testing of you in other aspects of the relationship to see how far you are willing to go to create separateness and “be your own person.” There may be distancing from you and a redirection of control elsewhere, which may even feel like a loss. There may be manipulation, coercion, or efforts to seduce you into rescinding the boundaries and restoring the power this person has had over you. All of this may be very strange and challenging if you haven’t been through it before. Take it slowly, think about what you are feeling and what is happening, and plan your responses carefully. Try not to fall into old traps. 5. Once you have set a boundary, keep it. If you back down, you show the Narcissist that you do not need to be taken seriously. You may have to remain forever vigilant in your interactions with this person, but the space you are protecting is where you will create your own health and happiness.
• If saying no and standing up to an addictive/compulsive Narcissist feels too scary or overwhelming, you might want to consider if it is in your best interests to continue in this relationship. If you can’t get out on your own, get help.
• If you have always been intimidated by your narcissistic parent, it can be good for you to test how the balance of power may have shifted. You might even choose to set some limits. Tell Mom or Dad, calmly, what you are prepared to do if you are not respected. Be sure, however, that the consequence is something you will be willing to enforce, because once you have set a boundary, you must not back off. It is better to test the waters around smaller issues than to make a grand stand in a moment of anger that you will later regret. If this sounds a lot like dealing with children, it’s because it is. As New York City psychologist and author Elan Golomb advises, you will need to master the art of “noncombative firmness” and practice “bland indifference” to provocation in order to insulate yourself emotionally and maintain your equilibrium. Expect this to take some practice.
• Do not allow your narcissistic parent to manipulate you through guilt and shame. It is up to you to examine your own conscience and decide what responsibilities you choose to accept. There are many ways to honor your parent short of sacrificing your own life and well-being and that of your loved ones. You do not need to succumb to unreasonable demands in order to be a good son or daughter. It is all right to say “No” or to mobilize others who may be better able to meet your parent’s needs with less drama.

Narcissism in Family Dynamics

• What psychologists call “projec-tion,” I have renamed shame-dumping, a common phenomenon in narcissistic families. A mother who is conflicted about her own sexual desires, for example, may call her teenaged daughter a slut and even succeed in getting the young woman to accept that label and begin behaving promiscuously. It is as if the daughter is a blank screen onto which the mother has projected her unacceptable lust.
• People who tolerate boundary violations are generally those who, like the Narcissist, have not formed a strong sense of separate Self, usually because they have been trained to accept intrusions while growing up in their own families and have not been given support for autonomy.
• When narcissistic parents are too absorbed with their own preoccupations to spend time with their kids, they often raise narcissistic children, or at least children with profound narcissistic vulnerabilities, such as shame-sensitivity and the inability to manage intense negative feelings or to control their own aggressive impulses. Several years ago, a study of elementary-school-aged boys showed that those who were already identified as aggressive were less skillful than their more docile peers at accurately interpreting the behavior of others their age and were more likely to read intentional hostility into an ambiguous situation and respond with a preemptive strike.
• The caretaking role demands that you nurture this person who may never have nurtured you—how do you really feel about dependency, your own or someone else’s? What power does your parent still have over you, and how will that affect your ability to be “in charge” when the time comes? How will you cope with the feelings evoked by your parent’s escalating defenses—the denial, envy and contempt, manipulativeness, hostility, demands, panic, paranoia, and irrationality? Coping with an elderly narcissistic parent can be an aggravating and exhausting ordeal. The better you understand yourself and the process that goes on between you—a process that involves other members of the family and the circle of your parent’s friends and associates-the more manageable this will become.
• Another way to embrace reality is to create a mantra for yourself with the following message: “There is nothing I can do to change my narcissistic parent. I can never be perfect or pleasing enough to win his or her unconditional or consistent love. His or her inability to love and respect me has nothing to do with my value as a human being. The more I cling to my idealized fantasies of becoming perfect and having an ideal parent, the more I hurt myself. I will seek to discover my own uniqueness and to connect with people who are capable of recognizing me and accepting me for who I am. I am worthy of the love my parent was unable to give me.”
• Everyone in a family system has a role assigned to them by someone else, usually the parents. If you have been the designated caretaker, or the scapegoat, or the “defective one,” or even “the achiever,” you will have to show your relatives that there is more to you than they previously thought. Treat others with respect, acknowledge their feelings and needs, and insist that they do the same toward you. Be firm and persistent. These things do not change overnight, and often there is much resistance. Know that regardless of whether your family can rise to the challenge of health, you can change yourself and how you relate to them. Insist on reciprocity, but if you cannot find it among your relatives, look elsewhere. You can create your own “second family” composed of friends whom you choose because together, you support one another’s healthy separateness. These are the relationships that will sustain you over time and help prepare you for your own final act. No matter how torturous old age is or was for your narcissistic parent, you can avoid the same fate by loving and letting love in.

Narcissism in Society and Organizations

• “The bigger they are, the harder they fall” is more than a warning against hubris. There is something dark within us that gloats when the grand and glorious are toppled from their pedestals. We love their flaws and misfortunes, because it means that there is not so much distance between us.
• To rise to the top of an organization, to build a business, to win an election, to compete favorably in any market requires healthy narcissism, the confidence to activate one’s talents and skills in a sustained way toward an identified goal, despite setbacks and obstacles. In the absence of healthy narcissism, however, unhealthy narcissism will often do quite nicely.
• Many employers use inspirational rhetoric and lofty goals to inspire and motivate employees, but in a toxic environment, the source of this “grand vision” is often the narcissistic leader’s personal ambition to make fantasies of perfection come true by whipping subordinates into a frenzy of productivity. In such workplaces, people’s private lives are cannibalized in the service of The Dream, and it is not unusual to see people putting in surreally long hours, sacrificing weekends and vacations, and coming to work sick. And they do it not just because they are afraid of losing their jobs, but also because their own emptied lives are inflated by their role in realizing the vision. The narcissistic fantasy captures the depleted in its net.
• The narcissistic leader is typically single-minded in the pursuit of power and recognition for specialness and feels entitled to these rewards. Deception, distortion, and seduction are among the tools of the trade, to be used without compunction whenever needed. The only shame is failure, and nothing, least of all empathy for subordinates, stands in the Narcissist’s way. Often the degree of ruthlessness and emotional detachment is disguised behind a mask of propriety and unctuous solicitude, but in some organizational subcultures, boldness is itself a badge of honor. In such environments, anything goes, and a subordinate can expect to be used mercilessly, criticized liberally for whatever disappoints or deflates the leader, and summarily dismissed when no longer needed. The practice of stretching employees until they break and then getting rid of them has become so common that it even has a name: “rubber band management.”
• Intuitively, we recognize that we need secure parameters in order to function effectively, yet we routinely ignore boundaries or view them as obstacles to be overcome. Science has allowed us to defy gravity, transcend time and space, slow aging, cheat death, and even create life. We have been seduced into believing that there should be no limits, yet without them there is chaos and unreality. The current recipe for innovation involves “thinking outside the box,” and a modern cowboy who defies the rules is still our idea of a hero. The need to be grounded in reality seems stuffy and old-fashioned by comparison. We prefer images of unlimited possibilities that feed our grandiosity and omnipotence, creating the illusion that we can, and should, have it all. The sense of entitlement, both individual and collective, is pandemic today.
• The fact that we have become so confused about right and wrong is another sign of the narcissistic times, a reflection of our difficulty functioning as adults. It is as if our collective conscience is not fully formed, and we are caught up in fantasies of grandiosity and omnipotence to protect ourselves from the shame of having to admit our own mistakes. As a society, we have a lot of trouble with the issue of personal accountability. We tend to think like small children, looking for someone else to blame when things go wrong.
• From political leaders to sports “heroes,” from business moguls to entertainment figures, the people who seem best able to evade consequences in today’s world are those who can fabricate and project the images we want to see. Manufactured image is one of the pillars of power, and powerful people—along with those who would aspire to power—rely on “spin doctors,” agents, publicists, press secretaries, and media consultants to control how we perceive them. We look on with jaded eye, knowing we are being manipulated but enjoying the show. Eventually, reality grows so distorted that we no longer know who or what to believe. We find ourselves in a narcissistic funhouse without a clue what’s behind the mirrors. We become mistrustful of our own perceptions, alienated not only from each other but from ourselves as well.
• The power of images is an extremely seductive force. Ask the 1,840 American girls under the age of nineteen who had breast augmentation surgery in 1998 (up 57 percent from 1996 and 89 percent from 1992). The majority of these teens raided their college funds for cosmetic reasons alone and “to feel better about themselves,” many of them encouraged by mothers who had also been surgically altered to more closely resemble the cultural ideal. You may question their values or their youthful impatience, but you can’t argue with the fact that, even in this postfeminist era, large breasts can still give a woman a measure of power.
• Most of the narcissism in turn-of-the-century American society is a product of two things: cultural influences and faulty parenting. The two are closely linked.
• The word “special” has lost its meaning in today’s world. It used to mean possessed of some unusual quality or superior in some way. Now, many people view feeling special as an intrinsic part of self-esteem and expect, as a matter of routine, to be made to feel special by others. “I didn’t feel special,” we hear people say, as if they were somehow gypped. This is narcissistic entitlement, and it is an unconscious and pervasive part of the way we have come to think.

Addiction and Compulsive Behavior

• Noting that addicts often referred to their drug of choice as “mood food” or “instant Mommy,” researchers in the late 1960s began to study the “regressive states” induced by different drugs and to recognize how much they resembled specific phases of early childhood development. Hallucinogens, stimulants, and narcotics each have a distinct effect that seems to re-create or reflect a primitive feeling state. LSD and similar hallucinogens, for example, produce a loss in the sense of the boundaries of the Self. Changes in body image and the perceptions of Self and others while “tripping” lead to feelings of fusion and merger, depersonalization (a loss of the sense of Self), and delusions. Some people react with anxiety to those experiences, while others can’t wait to repeat them. For those who are drawn to this pharmacologic effect, the payoff is the fantasy fulfillment of wishes for union, reunion, and fusion with lost or yearned-for others. This suggests an attempt to regain that earliest childhood state of oneness with an all-giving caretaker.
• Compulsive and addictive behaviors are such an enormous, and often unconscious, part of the way we live today that scarcely anyone’s life is untouched. In addition to alcohol, drugs, and food, we can also be addicted to feelings (such as rage, excitement, religious righteousness, and even guilt), to thoughts (think of obsessions), to activities (worka-holism, gambling, compulsive exercising and sexual behavior, spending and hoarding), to being in control, and even to reenactments of victimization and other trauma. Any of these activities that lead to “life-damaging consequences” and loss of control qualifies as an addiction or compulsion, according to addictions expert John Bradshaw.
• When addictions and compulsions occur in people who have a predominantly narcissistic style or character structure, which is more often the case than not, the behavior is likely to be especially entrenched and well-defended. The unhealthy Narcissist sees these behaviors as fundamentally beneficial, nondestructive, and in any event necessary to his or her emotional survival. Any confrontation to the contrary is likely to evoke shame and its defenses of denial and/or rage. Otto Kernberg, who gave us much of what we know about pathological narcissism, believes the addictive potential in narcissistic personality structures is maximal, and the prognosis for treatment is much worse than for other types of personality disorder or in people who have fewer personality defects. What that means for you if you are dealing with an addictive or compulsive Narcissist in your life, whether that person is a sports junkie, a shopaholic, a sex fiend, a religious nut, a control freak, or actually chemically dependent, is that you might as well beat your head against the wall as try to change them. If you want relief, you’re going to have to change you .
• You don’t have to be an alcoholic or a drug addict, an anorexic or a bulimic, a pathological gambler or a Type-A workaholic to have a problem with compulsion. Anything that you do to alter your mood that keeps you from addressing underlying problems could be hurting you—or someone you love—more than it is helping.
• When you practice living a balanced life, it feels different, and you may very well need a plan for handling the feelings that come up. When you stop altering your moods, you have to face the feelings that you have avoided. How well you work through those feelings will have everything to do with whether you will be able to live a life free of addictions and compulsions. That is reality.

Child Development and Parenting

• Stephanies sensitivity, her sudden collapse from a state of pleasure, and her difficulty recovering her emotional balance all point to a very primitive sequence of experiences encoded deep within her psyche, most likely beyond the reach of her conscious memory.
• THE ABILITY TO EMPATHIZE, to grasp accurately how another person feels and to feel compassionate in response, requires us to step outside ourselves momentarily to tune in to someone else. We turn down the noise of our own preoccupations and open ourselves to what the other person is expressing. We may or may not share the feelings being expressed, but we accept them without judgment or distortion. Even when we identify with another person’s feelings, we remain separate. Although we do not actually become one with the other person in moments of empathy, we do bridge the gap between two separate beings. That cannot happen unless we are able to experience ourselves as separate in the first place. The sense of one’s Self as separate and autonomous is a developmental milestone that normally occurs in small increments between the ages of one to three or four. In order to read others accurately, we must first be able to see ourselves in realistic terms and identify our feelings as belonging to us. Empathic parenting in the face of a small child’s intense feelings helps to form the building blocks of a developing capacity for compassion. Children aged ten to fourteen months have been observed to become agitated and disturbed when they see their mothers are distressed, and this may be the earliest expression of what will one day be empathy.
• How well children learn to manage shame is what will ultimately determine who becomes a Narcissist. It all begins with the task of forming a healthy sense of Self as distinct from one’s caregivers, what psychologists call “the process of separation-individuation.” This concept refers to the establishment of boundaries between Self and Other, the ability to distinguish what is Me and what is You.
• Think for a moment of the one-year-old child who has just learned to walk and toddles off in all directions in search of adventure. The world is full of dangers, but the securely attached child has no fear at this stage. She is full of a robust quest for discovery and scarcely seems to notice that she is so small and everything around her is big and potentially menacing.
• What prepares a child to let go of this narcissistic position is the gradual development of real competencies that do not depend on inflated fantasies to sustain a sense of efficacy and self-esteem.
• Around the age of two to four months, the infant becomes more capable of recognizing a particular caregiver as the one who feeds, soothes, and comforts. A “preferential” smile reserved just for this person appears, and this is thought to be the beginning of a psychological state known as “symbiosis,” an important concept in our understanding of how narcissism develops. Symbiosis means that the infant’s sense of Self is merged with the caregiving Other—let’s call her Mother—and the rest of the world remains pretty much unimportant. Mother and child are in their own private paradise.
• By seven to ten months of age, our little guy becomes able to move away from Mother, to crawl, to climb, and to pull himself upright while using her for support. She is still the apple of his eye, but that eye has begun to rove toward the whole big world that’s waiting to be explored. Independent mobility gives him the physical distance from which to contemplate Mother as a separate entity, but psychologically, she is now an extension of him and not yet a whole and separate person in his mind.
• He carries this “fused” sense of Self with him as he begins to walk at about ten to twelve months of age, and a period of great exuberance ensues that lasts through age sixteen to eighteen months. During this time, bumps, falls, and other frustrations seem to roll right off our sturdy little explorer, and as his adventures take him farther away from Mother, he becomes so absorbed that at times he seems to forget she is there. Then all of a sudden it is as if he runs out of his own steam, and he returns to her for what has been described as “re-fueling.” If he can’t find her in these moments, his whole demeanor changes—he may slow down, lose interest in his surroundings, and appear almost somber. Analytic observers describe this as the child turning inward, as if trying to find an image of Mother within himself. If someone else offers to stand in for her at this age, the child may burst into tears of protest. Only after “reunion” with her does he enthusiastically resume his happy explorations. She’s still The One, and still very necessary to his sense of confidence.
• Brain research on infants has shown that, during two critical periods, the first between ten and twelve months and the second between sixteen and eighteen months (both ends of the “practicing” phase), the part of the brain that regulates emotions is being hardwired for life. One of the things the child is “practicing,” in fact, is how to manage his own feelings, an ability that is essential to a separate sense of Self, an autonomous Me. The sensitive mother is tuned in to her child’s moods and helps tone down an overly excited or distressed toddler, but she also knows when to permit that extra bit of tension that allows him to develop his own emotional tolerance.
• In preparing children to live in harmony with the world of others, socialization aims to restrain undesirable behavior, including many acts they thoroughly enjoy. To persuade a child to give up these pleasures, it is necessary to invoke the powerful emotion of shame. For the child, the first experience of shame is a betrayal of the illusion of perfect union with Mother that has persisted up to this point. Her beloved face now may radiate shame, extinguishing joy and exuberance in an instant. Instead of being pumped up by Mother, the child now feels deflated, even injured.
• They need to learn that they are unique and important, but no more unique and important than anyone else, especially their parents. Without humiliating or overwhelming them, caregivers must help children to evolve from a sense of grandiosity and omnipotence that comes from seeing themselves as fused with a wonderful and powerful Mother to a separate sense of Self that is more reality-based. Small doses of shame, followed by soothing, help children transform their grandiosity into a more realistic self-image. Parents and caregivers must be able to tolerate inducing this kind of stress, however, in order for children to develop emotionally. Sometimes that’s as hard for parents as it is for the child.
• By the end of the practicing period, around the age of eighteen months, the child and the mother can no longer function effectively as a symbiotic Us. The illusion of Mother’s omnipotence gradually gives way to the child’s recognition that they are different and that she is interested in other people and activities apart from him. The delusions of grandeur that enabled him to explore the world so confidently begin to crash, creating a state of emotional disequilibrium. Until approximately age three, the once-exuberant child is clearly more aware of his real vulnerability and becomes preoccupied with Mother’s whereabouts and anxious if she leaves. When she is present, he demands that she share everything with him, hence the name “rapprochement” (French for closeness, or re-establishment of good relations) that has been given to this final phase in the separation-individuation process. The rapprochement child of eighteen to thirty-six months has more actual capability than the younger toddler but is much more fearful precisely because he can no longer sustain the illusion of his own omnipotence and grandiosity, nor of his mother’s fusion with him.
• Signs of a mother’s narcissism are evident before the child is born in women who may be excessively preoccupied with their own appearance and comfort during pregnancy, who expect others to cater to them, who are unusually distressed with the changes in their bodies, or who are extremely fearful of labor and delivery. Some may be obsessed with having the perfect pregnancy or becoming a perfect mother.
• The real cutting edge of parenting—especially with
• Egocentrism and deductive reasoning in adolescents form a volatile mix, leading to two types of fantasy thinking that smack of narcissistic omnipotence and grandiosity. One is called the invincibility fable, the belief that one is immune from what is dangerous to others, and the other is called the personal fable, the fantasy of being unique, heroic, or even mythical.
• Children were encouraged to recite positive self-affirmations regardless of their actual performance and ended up absorbing the more subtle message that it is effort rather than accomplishment that matters and that there’s something wrong with feeling “bad.” If your feelings are hurt when you don’t get what you want, someone or something else is to blame, and you’re entitled to recourse. A sense of entitlement to “specialness” and positive outcomes has compromised rather than enhanced real self-esteem, which is based on mastery rather than wishful thinking.
• A second possibility is the formation of a negative identity in opposition to everything the child has been taught up to that point. These teens tend to feel that they are supremely independent and evolved, but the truth is that their entire identity is formed in opposition to authority instead of as an outcome of integrating that which they have been given with that which they have discovered on their own.
• A third type of failure to achieve a mature identity is called identity diffusion, and it is a problem that can plague an individual well into adulthood. These are the young people who have few commitments to any goals or values and who often seem apathetic about taking on any role. In adolescence, they may have difficulty finishing homework, choosing a college, finding a job, or planning for their own future. They move through relationships both sexual and platonic without any sense of connection, passion, or commitment. They just don’t seem to care what their identity is.
• Even though it sometimes doesn’t seem like it, your children are listening to what you say and watching what you do. They need your guidance and support, even when they’re pushing you away. Give the gift of character—be someone they can admire.
• When the child is deprived of empathic care during peak periods of brain development, which occur at both ends of the practicing phase (10 to 12 months, and 16 to 18 months), key areas of the brain remain immature and underdeveloped. Unable to regulate strong feelings on their own, these individuals may turn to chemical substances as “auxiliary regulators.” Essentially, they have a faulty thermostat that allows their emotional temperature to become too hot. They try to cool things down with drugs, correcting for the missing neural pathways that didn’t develop properly in early childhood. The drugs act to trigger narcissistic fantasies and feelings of grandiosity and omnipotence that provide relief from shame and depression. Like the Narcissist, who compensates by bypassing shame, the addict has found a way to make up for a crucial deficit in brain development that is the result of parental misattune-ment.
• Teachers did their part by supplying heavy doses of praise, assurances of specialness, and feedback that the child was “doing well,” even if performance was actually mediocre or poor. Schools were no longer allowed to group children by ability, offer enrichment for gifted students, or encourage competition that might make some feel “less than.” Intentionally or not, we were teaching our children that equal outcome is as much a right as equal opportunity, and that they could expect to be valued and rewarded regardless of what they did or how well they performed. An even more insidious message buried in the subtext was that feeling “bad” is not normal. If your feelings are hurt when you don’t get what you want, then something is wrong-you’re a victim. Someone or something else is to blame, and you’re entitled to recourse. Such thinking is part of the reason today’s children are angrier and more aggressive than previous generations. Although these attitudes are still deeply embedded in our culture and the messages we give our children, the Self-Esteem Movement has today been widely discredited.
• It may indeed “take a village” to raise a child, in the sense that the larger community and society have an investment in that child’s welfare and healthy development, but children are first and foremost the responsibility of the people who bring them into the world or those who legally adopt or care for them. Most parents expect to provide for their children, even if they have to make sacrifices to do it. Unfortunately, not all parents share this sense of responsibility.
• sometimes what makes it difficult for parents to tolerate a child’s suffering is that the parent feels it is happening to him or her. Our pain is not our children’s pain but rather something that may have been triggered by overidentification with the child. This is harmful in two ways: One, it takes away from the child’s experience by making it “all about me” and depriving the child of empathic support at a time of distress, and two, we sometimes go too far to “control away” the pain we cannot tolerate. If we cannot tolerate our children’s pain, we risk creating an unreal world of indulgence and anxious overcontrol. Not only does the child come to believe in entitlement to that unreal world, but he or she also misses opportunities to master distress.
• It is by internalizing the values of an idealized parent that children develop conscience. If we wish our children to know right from wrong, we not only have to teach them, but also have to be people they can admire.
• Good parental boundaries mean not treating a child as a friend, confidant, or confessor. While such treatment may indeed make a child feel “special,” it is the wrong kind of specialness. It communicates to a child that he or she is an equal, and that the parent and child roles have been obscured. Parents who indulge in this kind of behavior with their children are often surprised when their children have little or no respect for authority, either the parent’s or that of any other adult.