Nonviolent Communication

Judgments and Evaluations

• Making Comparisons Another form of judgment is the use of comparisons.
• Judgments of others contribute to self-fulfilling prophecies.
• Compliments are often judgments—however positive-of others.

Communication Patterns and Barriers

• One kind of life-alienating communication is the use of moralistic judgments that imply wrongness or badness on the part of people who don’t act in harmony with our values. Such judgments are reflected in language: “The problem with you is that you’re too selfish.” “She’s lazy.” “They’re prejudiced.” “It’s inappropriate.” Blame, insults, put-downs, labels, criticism, comparisons, and diagnoses are all forms of judgment.
• Thus if my partner wants more affection than I’m giving her, she is “needy and dependent.” But if I want more affection than she is giving me, then she is “aloof and insensitive.” If my colleague is more concerned about details than I am, he is “picky and compulsive.” On the other hand, if I am more concerned about details than he is, he is “sloppy and disorganized.”
• Communicating our desires as demands is yet another form of language that blocks compassion. A demand explicitly or implicitly threatens listeners with blame or punishment if they fail to comply. It is a common form of communication in our culture, especially among those who hold positions of authority.
• One form of life-alienating communication is the use of moralistic judgments that imply wrongness or badness on the part of those who don’t act in harmony with our values. Another is the use of comparisons, which can block compassion both for others and for ourselves. Life-alienating communication also obscures our awareness that we are each responsible for our own thoughts, feelings, and actions. Communicating our desires in the form of demands is yet another characteristic of language that blocks compassion.
• The first component of NVC entails the separation of observation from evaluation. We need to clearly observe what we are seeing, hearing, or touching that is affecting our sense of well-being, without mixing in any evaluation.
• NVC does not mandate that we remain completely objective and refrain from evaluating. It only requires that we maintain a separation between our observations and our evaluations. NVC is a process language that discourages static generalizations; instead, evaluations are to be based on observations specific to time and context.
• “Our language is an imperfect instrument created by ancient and ignorant men. It is an animistic language that invites us to talk about stability and constants, about similarities and normal and kinds, about magical transformations, quick cures, simple problems, and final solutions. Yet the world we try to symbolize with this language is a world of process, change, differences, dimensions, functions, relationships, growths, interactions, developing, learning, coping, complexity. And the mismatch of our ever-changing world and our relatively static language forms is part of our problem.”
• I opened the meeting by asking the staff, “What is the principal doing that conflicts with your needs?” “He has a big mouth!” came the swift response. My question called for an observation, but while “big mouth” gave me information on how this teacher evaluated the principal, it failed to describe what the principal said or did that led to the interpretation that he had a “big mouth.” When I pointed this out, a second teacher offered, “I know what he means: the principal talks too much!” Instead of a clear observation of the principal’s behavior, this was also an evaluation—of how much the principal talked. A third teacher then declared, “He thinks only he has anything worth saying.” I explained that inferring what another person is thinking is not the same as observing his behavior. Finally a fourth teacher ventured, “He wants to be the center of attention all the time.” After I remarked that this too was an inference—of what another person is wanting—two teachers blurted in unison, “Well, your question is very hard to answer!” We subsequently worked together to create a list identifying specific behaviors, on the part of the principal, that bothered them, and made sure that the list was free of evaluation. For example, the principal told stories about his childhood and war experiences during faculty meetings, with the result that meetings sometimes ran twenty minutes overtime. When I asked whether they had ever communicated their annoyance to the principal, the staff replied that they had tried, but only through evaluative comments. They had never made reference to specific behaviors—such as his storytelling—and they agreed to bring these up when we were all to meet together.
• waited for the staff to voice their discomfort around the principal’s behavior. However, instead of Nonviolent Communication, they applied nonverbal condemnation. Some rolled their eyes; others yawned pointedly; one stared at his watch. I endured this painful scenario until finally I asked, “Isn’t anyone going to say something?” An awkward silence ensued. The teacher who had spoken first at our meeting screwed up his courage, looked directly at the principal, and said, “Ed, you have a big mouth.”
• The following table distinguishes observations that are separate from evaluation from those that have evaluation mixed in. Communication Example of observation with evaluation mixed in Example of observation separate from evaluation 1. Use of verb to be without indication that the evaluator takes responsibility for the evaluation You are too generous. When I see you give all your lunch money to others, I think you are being too generous. 2. Use of verbs with evaluative connotations Doug procrastinates. Doug only studies for exams the night before. 3. Implication that one’s inferences about another person’s thoughts, feelings, intentions, or desires are the only ones possible She won’t get her work in. I don’t think she’ll get her work in. or She said, “I won’t get my work in.” 4. Confusion of prediction with certainty If you don’t eat balanced meals, your health will be impaired. If you don’t eat balanced meals, I fear your health may be impaired. 5. Failure to be specific about referents Immigrants don’t take care of their property. I have not seen the immigrant family living at 1679 Ross shovel the snow on their sidewalk. 6. Use of words denoting ability without indicating that an evaluation is being made Hank Smith is a poor soccer player. Hank Smith has not scored a goal in twenty games. 7. Use of adverbs and adjectives in ways that do not indicate an evaluation has been made Jim is ugly. Jim’s looks don’t appeal to me.
• Note: The words always, never, ever, whenever, etc. express observations when used in the following ways: — Whenever I have observed Jack on the phone, he has spoken for at least thirty minutes. — I cannot recall your ever writing to me. Sometimes such words are used as exaggerations, in which case observations and evaluations are being mixed: — You are always busy. — She is never there when she’s needed. When these words are used as exaggerations, they often provoke defensiveness rather than compassion.
• Evaluations Observations You seldom do what I want. The last three times I initiated an activity, you said you didn’t want to do it. He frequently comes over. He comes over at least three times a week.
• “John was angry with me yesterday for no reason.” 2. “Yesterday evening Nancy bit her fingernails while watching television.” 3. “Sam didn’t ask for my opinion during the meeting.” 4. “My father is a good man.” 5. “Janice works too much.” 6. “Henry is aggressive.” 7. “Pam was first in line every day this week.” 8. “My son often doesn’t brush his teeth.” 9. “Luke told me I didn’t look good in yellow.” 10. “My aunt complains when I talk with her.” Here are my responses for Exercise 1: 1. If you circled this number, we’re not in agreement. I consider “for no reason” to be an evaluation. Furthermore, I consider it an evaluation to infer that John was angry. He might have been feeling hurt, scared, sad, or something else. Examples of observations without evaluation might be: “John told me he was angry,” or “John pounded his fist on the table.” 2. If you circled this number, we’re in agreement that an observation was expressed without being mixed together with an evaluation. 3. If you circled this number, we’re in agreement that an observation was expressed without being mixed together with an evaluation. 4. If you circled this number, we’re not in agreement. I consider “good man” to be an evaluation. An observation without evaluation might be: “For the last twenty-five years, my father has given one-tenth of his salary to charity.” 5. If you circled this number, we’re not in agreement. I consider “too much” to be an evaluation. An observation without evaluation might be: “Janice spent more than sixty hours at the office this week.” 6. If you circled this number, we’re not in agreement. I consider “aggressive” to be an evaluation. An observation without evaluation might be: “Henry hit his sister when she switched the television channel.” 7. If you circled this number, we’re in agreement that an observation was expressed without being mixed together with an evaluation. 8. If you circled this number, we’re not in agreement. I consider “often” to be an evaluation. An observation without evaluation might be: “Twice this week my son didn’t brush his teeth before going to bed.” 9. If you circled this number, we’re in agreement that an observation was expressed without being mixed together with an evaluation. 10. If you circled this number, we’re not in agreement. I consider “complains” to be an evaluation. An observation without evaluation might be: “My aunt called me three times this week, and each time talked about people who treated her in ways she didn’t like.”
• A common confusion, generated by the English language, is our use of the word feel without actually expressing a feeling. For example, in the sentence, “I feel I didn’t get a fair deal,” the words I feel could be more accurately replaced with I think.
• It is helpful to recognize a number of common speech patterns that tend to mask accountability for our own feelings: 1. Use of impersonal pronouns such as it and that: “It really infuriates me when spelling mistakes appear in our public brochures.” “That bugs me a lot.” 2. The use of the expression “I feel (an emotion) because … ” followed by a person or personal pronoun other than I: “I feel hurt because you said you don’t love me.” “I feel angry because the supervisor broke her promise.” 3. Statements that mention only the actions of others: “When you don’t call me on my birthday, I feel hurt.” “Mommy is disappointed when you don’t finish your food.” In each of these instances, we can deepen our awareness of our own responsibility by substituting the phrase, “I feel … because I … ” For example: Connect your feeling with your need: “I feel … because I need …” 1. “I feel really infuriated when spelling mistakes like that appear in our public brochures, because I want our company to project a professional image.” 2. “I feel angry that the supervisor broke her promise, because I was counting on getting that long weekend to visit my brother.” 3. “Mommy feels disappointed when you don’t finish your food, because I want you to grow up strong and healthy.” The basic mechanism of motivating by guilt is to attribute the responsibility for one’s own feelings to others. When parents say, “It hurts Mommy and Daddy when you get poor grades at school,” they are implying that the child’s actions are the cause of the parents’ happiness or unhappines
• However, in other instances, we may express our discomfort and incorrectly assume that the listener has understood the underlying request. For example, a woman might say to her husband, “I’m annoyed you forgot the butter and onions I asked you to pick up for dinner.” While it may be obvious to her that she is asking him to go back to the store, the husband may think that her words were uttered solely to make him feel guilty.
• Requests may sound like demands when unaccompanied by the speaker’s feelings and needs.
• “Why don’t you go and get a haircut?” can easily be heard by youngsters as a demand or an attack unless parents remember to first reveal their own feelings and needs: “We’re worried that your hair is getting so long it might keep you from seeing things, especially when you’re on your bike. How about a haircut?”
• the message we send is not always the message that’s received.
• To make sure the message we sent is the message that’s received, ask the listener to reflect it back.
• Sometimes we’d like to know the feelings that are stimulated by what we said, and the reasons for those feelings. We might request this by asking, “I would like you to tell me how you feel about what I just said, and your reasons for feeling as you do.”
• Sometimes we’d like to know something about our listener’s thoughts in response to what they just heard us say. At these times, it’s important to specify which thoughts we’d like them to share. For example, we might say, “I’d like you to tell me if you predict that my proposal would be successful, and if not, what you believe would prevent its success
• Sometimes we’d like to know whether the person is willing to take certain actions that we’ve recommended. Such a request may sound like this: “I’d like you to tell me if you would be willing to postpone our meeting for one week.”
• “Can you tell me, when you brought up the newspaper article, what response you were wanting from the group?” “I thought it was interesting,” he replied. I explained that I was asking what response he wanted from the group, rather than what he thought about the article. He pondered awhile and then conceded, “I’m not sure what I wanted.”
• For example, when this particular speaker didn’t define what response he wanted, a member of the group might have said, “I’m confused about how you’d like us to respond to your story. Would you be willing to say what response you’d like from us?” Such interventions can prevent the waste of precious group time.
• To tell if it’s a demand or a request, observe what the speaker does if the request is not complied with.
• This leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy, for the more people hear demands, the less they enjoy being around us.
• We can help others trust that we are requesting, not demanding, by indicating that we would only want them to comply if they can do so willingly. Thus we might ask, “Would you be willing to set the table?” rather than “I would like you to set the table.” However, the most powerful way to communicate that we are making a genuine request is to empathize with people when they don’t agree to the request.
• “Excuse me,” I addressed them, “would one of you two gentlemen tell me what you heard me say?” One of them turned toward me and snorted, “Yeah, you said we had to go over there and sit down.” I thought to myself, “Uh, oh, he’s heard my request as a demand.” Out loud I said, “Sir”—I’ve learned always to say “sir” to people with biceps like his, especially when one of them sports a tattoo—“would you be willing to tell me how I could have let you know what I was wanting so that it wouldn’t sound like I was bossing you around?” “Huh?” Having been conditioned to expect demands from authorities, he was not used to my different approach. “How can I let you know what I’m wanting from you so it doesn’t sound like I don’t care about what you’d like?” I repeated. He hesitated for a moment and shrugged, “I don’t know.” “What’s going on between you and me right now is a good example of what I was wanting us to talk about today. I believe people can enjoy each other a lot better if they can say what they would like without bossing others around. When I tell you what I’d like, I’m not saying that you have to do it or I’ll try to make your life miserable. I don’t know how to say that in a way that you can trust.” To my relief, this seemed to make sense to the young man who, together with his friend, sauntered over to join the group. In certain situations, such as this one, it may take awhile for our requests to be clearly seen for what they are.
• some common behaviors that prevent us from being sufficiently present to connect empathically with others. The following are examples: — Advising: “I think you should … ” “How come you didn’t … ?” — One-upping: “That’s nothing; wait’ll you hear what happened to me.” — Educating: “This could turn into a very positive experience for you if you just … ” — Consoling: “It wasn’t your fault; you did the best you could.” — Story-telling: “That reminds me of the time … ” — Shutting down: “Cheer up. Don’t feel so bad.” — Sympathizing: “Oh, you poor thing … ” — Interrogating: “When did this begin?” — Explaining: “I would have called but … ” — Correcting: “That’s not how it happened.”
• No matter what others say, we only hear what they are (1) observing, (2) feeling, (3) needing, and (4) requesting.
• If we have accurately received the other party’s message, our paraphrasing will confirm this for them. If, on the other hand, our paraphrase is incorrect, we give the speaker an opportunity to correct us. Another advantage of choosing to reflect a message back to the other party is that it offers them time to reflect on what they’ve said and an opportunity to delve deeper into themselves.
• This second set of questions asks for information without first sensing the speaker’s reality. Though they may appear to be the most direct way to connect with what’s going on within the other person, I’ve found that questions like these are not the safest route to obtain the information we seek. Many such questions may give speakers the impression that we’re a schoolteacher examining them or a psychotherapist working on a case. If we do decide to ask for information in this way, however, I’ve found that people feel safer if we first reveal the feelings and needs within ourselves that are generating the question. Thus, instead of asking someone, “What did I do?” we might say, “I’m frustrated because I’d like to be clearer about what you are referring to. Would you be willing to tell me what I’ve done that leads you to see me in this way?” While this step may not be necessary—or even helpful—in situations where our feelings and needs are clearly conveyed by the context or tone of voice, I would recommend it particularly during moments when the questions we ask are accompanied by strong emotions.
• I don’t want you to do anything; I just want you to listen.’
• Speakers prefer that listeners interrupt rather than pretend to listen.
• As mentioned earlier, children who hear, “It hurts Mommy and Daddy when you get poor grades,” are led to believe that their behavior is the cause of their parents’ pain. The same dynamic is observed among intimate partners: “It really disappoints me when you’re not here for my birthday.” The English language facilitates the use of this guilt-inducing tactic.
• A friend of mine, Sam Williams, jotted down the basic components of the NVC process on a three-by-five card, which he would use as a cheat sheet at work. When his boss would confront him, Sam would stop, refer to the card in his hand, and take time to remember how to respond. When I asked whether his colleagues were finding him a little strange, constantly staring into his hand and taking so much time to form his sentences, Sam replied, “It doesn’t actually take that much more time, but even if it did, it’s still worth it to me. It’s important for me to know that I am responding to people the way I really want to.”
• Avoid the use of language that implies wrongness.
• Many of us have great difficulty expressing our needs: we have been taught by society to criticize, insult, and otherwise (mis)communicate in ways that keep us apart. In a conflict, both parties usually spend too much time intent on proving themselves right, and the other party wrong, rather than paying attention to their own and the other’s needs. And such verbal conflicts can far too easily escalate into violence—and even war.
• When we don’t know how to directly and clearly express what we need, but can only make analyses of others that sound like criticism to them, wars are never far away—whether verbal, psychological, or physical.

Feelings and Emotional Awareness

• Went through twenty-one years of American schools and can’t recall anyone in all that time ever asking me how I felt. Feelings were simply not considered important. What was valued was “the right way to think”—as defined by those who held positions of rank and authority. We are trained to be “other-directed” rather than to be in contact with ourselves. We learn to be “up in our head,” wondering, “What is it that others think is right for me to say and do?”
• A college student spoke about being kept awake by a roommate who played the stereo late at night and loudly. When asked to express what he felt when this happened, the student replied, “I feel that it isn’t right to play music so loud at night.” I pointed out that when he followed the word feel with the word that, he was expressing an opinion but not revealing his feelings. Asked to try again to express his feelings, he responded, “I feel, when people do something like that, it’s a personality disturbance.” I explained that this was still an opinion rather than a feeling. He paused thoughtfully, and then announced with vehemence, “I have no feelings about it whatsoever!” This student obviously had strong feelings. Unfortunately, he didn’t know how to become aware of his feelings, let alone express them.
• Distinguish feelings from thoughts.
• Description of what we think we are: “I feel inadequate as a guitar player.” In this statement, I am assessing my ability as a guitar player, rather than clearly expressing my feelings. — Expressions of actual feelings: “I feel disappointed in myself as a guitar player.”
• “I feel unimportant to the people with whom I work.” The word unimportant describes how I think others are evaluating me, rather than an actual feeling, which in this situation might be “I feel sad” or “I feel discouraged.” — “I feel misunderstood.” Here the word misunderstood indicates my assessment of the other person’s level of understanding rather than an actual feeling. In this situation, I may be feeling anxious or annoyed or some other emotion. — 3. “I feel ignored.” Again, this is more of an interpretation of the actions of others than a clear statement of how we are feeling. No doubt there have been times we thought we were being ignored and our feeling was relief, because we wanted to be left to ourselves.
• The following lists have been compiled to help you increase your power to articulate feelings and clearly describe a whole range of emotional states. How we are likely to feel when our needs are being met absorbed adventurous affectionate alert alive amazed amused animated appreciative ardent aroused astonished blissful breathless buoyant calm carefree cheerful comfortable complacent composed concerned confident contented cool curious dazzled delighted eager ebullient ecstatic effervescent elated enchanted encouraged energetic engrossed enlivened enthusiastic excited exhilarated expansive expectant exultant fascinated free friendly fulfilled glad gleeful glorious glowing good-humored grateful gratified happy helpful hopeful inquisitive inspired intense interested intrigued invigorated involved joyous, joyful jubilant keyed-up loving mellow merry mirthful moved optimistic overjoyed overwhelmed peaceful perky pleasant pleased proud quiet radiant rapturous refreshed relaxed relieved satisfied secure sensitive serene spellbound splendid stimulated surprised tender thankful thrilled touched tranquil trusting upbeat warm wide-awake wonderful zestful How we are likely to feel when our needs are not being met afraid aggravated agitated alarmed aloof angry anguished annoyed anxious apathetic apprehensive aroused ashamed beat bewildered bitter blah blue bored brokenhearted chagrined cold concerned confused cool cross dejected depressed despairing despondent detached disaffected disappointed discouraged disenchanted disgruntled disgusted disheartened dismayed displeased disquieted distressed disturbed downcast downhearted dull edgy embarrassed embittered exasperated exhausted fatigued fearful fidgety forlorn frightened frustrated furious gloomy guilty harried heavy helpless hesitant horrible horrified hostile hot humdrum hurt impatient indifferent intense irate irked irritated jealous jittery keyed-up lazy leery lethargic listless lonely mad mean miserable mopey morose mournful nervous nettled numb overwhelmed panicky passive perplexed pessimistic puzzled rancorous reluctant repelled resentful restless sad scared sensitive shaky shocked skeptical sleepy sorrowful sorry spiritless startled surprised suspicious tepid terrified tired troubled uncomfortable unconcerned uneasy unglued unhappy unnerved unsteady upset uptight vexed weary wistful withdrawn woeful worried wretched
• NVC heightens our awareness that what others say and do may be the stimulus, but never the cause, of our feelings.
• What others do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause.
• Stage 1: In this stage, which I refer to as emotional slavery, we believe ourselves responsible for the feelings of others. We think we must constantly strive to keep everyone happy. If they don’t appear happy, we feel responsible and compelled to do something about it. This can easily lead us to see the very people who are closest to us as burdens.
• If children brush their teeth because they fear shame and ridicule, their oral health may improve but their self-respect will develop cavities.
• The ability to hear our own feelings and needs and empathize with them can free us from depression.

Needs and Their Expression

• We make moralistic judgments of people and behaviors that fail to support our value judgments; for example, “Violence is bad. People who kill others are evil.” Had we been raised speaking a language that facilitated the expression of compassion, we would have learned to articulate our needs and values directly, rather than to insinuate wrongness when they have not been met. For example, instead of “Violence is bad,” we might say instead, “I am fearful of the use of violence to resolve conflicts; I value the resolution of human conflicts through other means.”
• Example 2 A: “Their cancelling the contract really irritated me!” B: “When they cancelled the contract, I felt really irritated because I was thinking to myself that it was an awfully irresponsible thing to do.” Speaker A attributes her irritation solely to the behavior of the other party, whereas Speaker B accepts responsibility for her feeling by acknowledging the thought behind it. She recognizes that her blaming way of thinking has generated her irritation. In NVC, however, we would urge this speaker to go a step further by identifying what she is wanting: what need, desire, expectation, hope, or value of hers has not been fulfilled? As we shall see, the more we are able to connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to respond compassionately. To relate her feelings to what she is wanting, Speaker B might have said: “When they cancelled the contract, I felt really irritated because I was hoping for an opportunity to rehire the workers we laid off last year.”
• Judgments of others are alienated expressions of our own unmet needs.
• The third component of NVC is the acknowledgment of the needs behind our feelings. What others say and do may be the stimulus for, but never the cause of, our feelings. When someone communicates negatively, we have four options as to how to receive the message: (1) blame ourselves, (2) blame others, (3) sense our own feelings and needs, (4) sense the feelings and needs hidden in the other person’s negative message. Judgments, criticisms, diagnoses, and interpretations of others are all alienated expressions of our own needs and values. When others hear criticism, they tend to invest their energy in self-defense or counterattack. The more directly we can connect our feelings to our needs, the easier it is for others to respond compassionately.
• Making requests in clear, positive, concrete action language reveals what we really want.
• Client:If I really reflect upon what I’m requesting when I ask to be loved, I suppose I want you to guess what I want before I’m even aware of it. And then I want you to always do it. MBR:I’m grateful for your clarity. I hope you can see how you are not likely to find someone who can fulfill your need for love if that’s what it takes.
• “I’m not requesting anything,” they might remark. “I just felt like saying what I said.” My belief is that, whenever we say something to another person, we are requesting something in return. It may simply be an empathic connection—a verbal or nonverbal acknowledgment, as with the man on the train, that our words have been understood. Or we may be requesting honesty: we wish to know the listener’s honest reaction to our words. Or we may be requesting an action that we hope would fulfill our needs. The clearer we are on what we want back from the other person, the more likely it is that our needs will be met.
• The fourth component of NVC addresses the question of what we would like to request of each other to enrich each of our lives. We try to avoid vague, abstract, or ambiguous phrasing, and remember to use positive action language by stating what we are requesting rather than what we are not. Each time we speak, the clearer we are about what we want back, the more likely we are to get it. Since the message we send is not always the message that’s received, we need to learn how to find out if our message has been accurately heard. Especially when we are expressing ourselves in a group, we need to be clear about the nature of the response we are wanting. Otherwise we may be initiating unproductive conversations that waste considerable group time. Requests are received as demands when listeners believe that they will be blamed or punished if they do not comply. We can help others trust that we are requesting, not demanding, by indicating our desire for them to comply only if they can do so willingly.
• Often it is difficult for people to identify what they want in a situation, even though they may know what they don’t want.
• Turning our attention to the part of the self which chose to act in the way that led to the present situation, we ask ourselves, “When I behaved in the way which I now regret, what need of mine was I trying to meet?” I believe that human beings are always acting in the service of needs and values. This is true whether the action does or does not meet the need, or whether it’s one we end up celebrating or regretting. When we listen empathically to ourselves, we will be able to hear the underlying need. Self-forgiveness occurs the moment this empathic connection is made. Then we are able to recognize how our choice was an attempt to serve life
• NVC self-forgiveness: connecting with the need we were trying to meet when we took the action that we now regret.
• For some items on your list, however, you might uncover one or several of the following motivations: (1) FOR MONEY Money is a major form of extrinsic reward in our society. Choices prompted by a desire for reward are costly: they deprive us of the joy in life that comes with actions grounded in the clear intention to contribute to a human need. Money is not a “need” as we define it in NVC; it is one of countless strategies that may be selected to address a need. (2) FOR APPROVAL Like money, approval from others is a form of extrinsic reward. Our culture has educated us to hunger for reward. We attended schools that used extrinsic means to motivate us to study; we grew up in homes where we were rewarded for being good little boys and girls, and were punished when our caretakers judged us to be otherwise. Thus, as adults, we easily trick ourselves into believing that life consists of doing things for reward; we are addicted to getting a smile, a pat on the back, and people’s verbal judgments that we are a “good person,” “good parent,” “good citizen,” “good worker,” “good friend,” and so forth. We do things to get people to like us and avoid things that may lead people to dislike or punish us. I find it tragic that we work so hard to buy love and assume that we must deny ourselves and do for others in order to be liked. In fact, when we do things solely in the spirit of enhancing life, we will find others appreciating us. Their appreciation, however, is only a feedback mechanism confirming that our efforts had the intended effect. The recognition that we have chosen to use our power to serve life and have done so successfully brings us the genuine joy of celebrating ourselves in a way that approval from others can never offer. (3) TO ESCAPE PUNISHMENT Some of us pay income tax primarily to avoid punishment. As a consequence, we are likely to approach that yearly ritual with a degree of resentment. I recall, however, from my childhood how differently my father and grandfather felt about paying taxes. They had immigrated to the United States from Russia and were desirous of supporting a government they believed was protecting people in a way that the czar had not. Imagining the many people whose welfare was being served by their tax money, they felt earnest pleasure as they sent their checks to the U.S. government. (4) TO AVOID SHAME There may be some tasks we choose to do just to avoid shame. We know that if we don’t do them, we’ll end up suffering severe self-judgment, hearing our own voice telling us there is something wrong or stupid about us. If we do something stimulated solely by the urge to avoid shame, we will generally end up detesting it. (5) TO AVOID GUILT In other instances, we may think, “If I don’t do this, people will be disappointed in me.” We are afraid we’ll end up feeling guilty for failing to fulfill other people’s expectations of us. There is a world of difference between doing something for others in order to avoid guilt and doing it out of a clear awareness of our own need to contribute to the happiness of other human beings. The first is a world filled with misery; the second is a world filled with play. Be conscious of actions motivated by the desire for money or approval, and by fear, shame, or guilt. Know the price you pay for them. (6) TO SATISFY A SENSE OF DUTY When we use language which denies choice (for example, words such as should, have to, ought, must, can’t, supposed to, etc.), our behaviors arise out of a vague sense of guilt, duty, or obligation. I consider this to be the most socially dangerous and personally unfortunate of all the ways we act when we’re cut off from our needs.
• For example, if someone arrives late for an appointment and we need reassurance that she cares about us, we may feel hurt. If, instead, our need is to spend time purposefully and constructively, we may feel frustrated. But if our need is for thirty minutes of quiet solitude, we may be grateful for her tardiness and feel pleased. Thus, it is not the behavior of the other person but our own need that causes our feeling. When we are connected to our need, whether it is for reassurance, purposefulness, or solitude, we are in touch with our life energy. We may have strong feelings, but we are never angry. Anger is a result of life-alienating thinking that is disconnected from needs. It indicates that we have moved up to our head to analyze and judge somebody rather than focus on which of our needs are not getting met.
• Instead of expressing needs, they were doing analysis, which is easily heard as criticism by a listener. As mentioned earlier in this book, analyses that imply wrongness are essentially tragic expressions of unmet needs. In the case of this couple, the husband had a need for support and understanding but expressed it in terms of the wife’s “insensitivity.” The wife also had a need for being accurately understood, but she expressed it in terms of the husband’s “unfairness.” It took a while to move through the layers of needs on the part of both husband and wife, but only through truly acknowledging and appreciating each other’s needs were they finally able to begin the process of exploring strategies to address their long-standing conflicts.
• For example, in the middle of a conversation, if I ask the other person something about what they’ve just said, and I am met with “That’s a stupid question,” I hear them expressing a need in the form of a judgment of me. I proceed to guess what that need might be—maybe the question I asked did not fulfill their need to be understood. Or if I ask my partner to talk about the stress in our relationship and they answer, “I don’t want to talk about it,” I may sense that their need is for protection from what they imagine could happen if we were to communicate about our relationship. So this is our work: learning to recognize the need in statements that don’t overtly express any need. It takes practice, and it always involves some guessing. Once we sense what the other person needs, we can check in with them, and then help them put their need into words. If we are able to truly hear their need, a new level of connection is forged—a critical piece that moves the conflict toward successful resolution.
• Listening carefully to the message behind the “no” helps us understand the other person’s needs: When they say “no,” they’re saying they have a need that keeps them from saying “yes” to what we are asking. If we can hear the need behind a “no,” we can continue the conflict resolution process—maintaining our focus on finding a way to meet everybody’s needs—even if the other party says “no” to the particular strategy we presented them.

Responsibility and Choice

• He suggests that if readers have a sincere desire to make life miserable for themselves, they might learn to compare themselves to other people.
• Denial of Responsibility Another kind of life-alienating communication is denial of responsibility. Communication is life-alienating when it clouds our awareness that we are each responsible for our own thoughts, feelings, and actions. The use of the common expression have to, as in “There are some things you have to do, whether you like it or not,” illustrates how personal responsibility for our actions can be obscured in speech. The phrase makes one feel, as in “You make me feel guilty,” is another example of how language facilitates denial of personal responsibility for our own feelings and thoughts.
• For example, if asked why they took a certain action, the response would be, “I had to.” If asked why they “had to,” the answer would be, “Superiors’ orders.” “Company policy.” “It was the law.” We deny responsibility for our actions when we attribute their cause to factors outside ourselves: — Vague, impersonal forces—“I cleaned my room because I had to.” — Our condition, diagnosis, or personal or psychological history—“I drink because I am an alcoholic.” — The actions of others—“I hit my child because he ran into the street.” • The dictates of authority—“I lied to the client because the boss told me to.” — Group pressure—“I started smoking because all my friends did.” — Institutional policies, rules, and regulations—“I have to suspend you for this infraction because it’s the school policy.” — Gender roles, social roles, or age roles—”I hate going to work, but I do it because I am a husband and a father.” — Uncontrollable impulses—“I was overcome by my urge to eat the candy bar.”
• We can replace language that implies lack of choice with language that acknowledges choice.
• We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think, and feel.
• I believe it is in everyone’s interest that people change, not in order to avoid punishment, but because they see the change as benefiting themselves.
• People are disturbed not by things, but by the view they take of them. —Epictetus
• Four options for receiving negative messages: 1. blame ourselves.
• Stage 2: In this stage, we become aware of the high costs of assuming responsibility for others’ feelings and trying to accommodate them at our own expense. When we notice how much of our lives we’ve missed and how little we have responded to the call of our own soul, we may get angry. I refer jokingly to this stage as the obnoxious stage because we tend toward obnoxious comments like, “That’s your problem! I’m not responsible for your feelings!” when presented with another person’s pain. We are clear what we are not responsible for, but have yet to learn how to be responsible to others in a way that is not emotionally enslaving.
• Notice how I spoke to myself in terms of what I didn’t want to do rather than in terms of what I did want to do.
• “All I want is for you to start showing a little responsibility,” claimed the father. “Is that asking too much?” I suggested that he specify what it would take for his son to demonstrate the responsibility he was seeking. After a discussion on how to clarify his request, the father responded sheepishly, “Well, it doesn’t sound so good, but when I say that I want responsibility, what I really mean is that I want him to do what I ask, without question—to jump when I say jump, and to smile while doing it.” He then agreed with me that if his son were to actually behave this way, it would demonstrate obedience rather than responsibility.
• Human beings, when hearing any kind of demand, tend to resist because it threatens our autonomy—our strong need for choice. We have this reaction to tyranny even when it’s internal tyranny in the form of a should.
• I earnestly believe, however, that an important form of self-compassion is to make choices motivated purely by our desire to contribute to life rather than out of fear, guilt, shame, duty, or obligation.
• With every choice you make, be conscious of what need it serves.
• The intention behind the protective use of force is to prevent injury or injustice. The intention behind the punitive use of force is to cause individuals to suffer for their perceived misdeeds. When we grab a child who is running into the street to prevent the child from being injured, we are applying protective force. The punitive use of force, on the other hand, might involve physical or psychological attack, such as spanking the child or saying, “How could you be so stupid! You should be ashamed of yourself!” When we exercise the protective use of force, we are focusing on the life or rights we want to protect, without passing judgment on either the person or the behavior. We are not blaming or condemning the child who rushes into the street; our thinking is solely directed toward protecting the child from danger.
• First, I wonder whether people who proclaim the successes of such punishment are aware of the countless instances of children who turn against what might be good for them simply because they choose to fight, rather than succumb, to coercion. Second, the apparent success of corporal punishment in influencing a child doesn’t mean that other methods of influence wouldn’t have worked equally well. Finally, I share the concerns of many parents about the social consequences of using physical punishment. When parents opt to use force, we may win the battle of getting children to do what we want, but, in the process, are we not perpetuating a social norm that justifies violence as a means of resolving differences?
• When we submit to doing something solely for the purpose of avoiding punishment, our attention is distracted from the value of the action itself.
• Two questions help us see why we are unlikely to get what we want by using punishment to change people’s behavior. The first question is: What do I want this person to do that’s different from what he or she is currently doing? If we ask only this first question, punishment may seem effective, because the threat or exercise of punitive force may well influence someone’s behavior. However, with the second question, it becomes evident that punishment isn’t likely to work: What do I want this person’s reasons to be for doing what I’m asking?
• It takes tremendous energy and awareness to recognize this destructive learning and to transform it into thoughts and behaviors that are of value and of service to life.
• There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
• “Anything that is worth doing is worth doing poorly!”

Empathy and Connection

• We all pay dearly when people respond to our values and needs not out of a desire to give from the heart, but out of fear, guilt, or shame. Sooner or later, we will experience the consequences of diminished goodwill on the part of those who comply with our values out of a sense of either external or internal coercion. They, too, pay emotionally, for they are likely to feel resentment and decreased self-esteem when they respond to us out of fear, guilt, or shame. Furthermore, each time others associate us in their minds with any of those feelings, the likelihood of their responding compassionately to our needs and values in the future decreases.
• At the root of much, if not all, violence—whether verbal, psychological, or physical, whether among family members, tribes, or nations—is a kind of thinking that attributes the cause of conflict to wrongness in one’s adversaries, and a corresponding inability to think of oneself or others in terms of vulnerability—that is, what one might be feeling, fearing, yearning for, missing, etc.
• I’ve never seen a stupid kid; I’ve seen a kid who sometimes did things I didn’t understand or things in ways I hadn’t planned; I’ve seen a kid who hadn’t seen the same places where I had been, but he was not a stupid kid. Before you call him stupid, think, was he a stupid kid or did he just know different things than you did?
• the more directly we can connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to respond to us compassionately.
• Stage 3: At the third stage, emotional liberation, we respond to the needs of others out of compassion, never out of fear, guilt, or shame. Our actions are therefore fulfilling to us, as well as to those who receive our efforts. We accept full responsibility for our own intentions and actions, but not for the feelings of others. At this stage, we are aware that we can never meet our own needs at the expense of others. Emotional liberation involves stating clearly what we need in a way that communicates we are equally concerned that the needs of others be fulfilled. NVC is designed to support us in relating at this level.
• It is often frustrating for someone needing empathy to have us assume that they want reassurance or “fix-it” advice.
• Notice that you are focusing on what he’s thinking, and not on what he’s needing. I think you’ll find people to be less threatening if you hear what they’re needing rather than what they’re thinking about you.
• “Don’t pull any of that psychology crap on me!” we may be told. Should this occur, we continue our effort to sense the speaker’s feelings and needs; perhaps we see in this case that the speaker doesn’t trust our motives and needs more understanding of our intentions before he can appreciate hearing our paraphrases. As we’ve seen, all criticism, attack, insults, and judgments vanish when we focus attention on hearing the feelings and needs behind a message.
• During the workshop, his wife said to him, “You never listen to me.” “I do too,” he replied. “No, you don’t,” she countered. I addressed the husband: “I’m afraid you just proved her point. You didn’t respond in a way that lets her know that you were listening to her.” He was puzzled by the point I was making, so I asked for permission to play his role—which he gladly gave since he wasn’t having too much success with it. His wife and I then had the following exchange: Wife: “You never listen to me.” MBR in role of husband: “It sounds like you’re terribly frustrated because you would like to feel more connection when we speak.” The wife was moved to tears when she finally received this confirmation that she had been understood. I turned to the husband and explained, “I believe this is what she is telling you she needs—a reflection of her feelings and needs as a confirmation that she’d been heard.” The husband seemed dumbfounded. “Is that all she wanted?” he asked, incredulous that such a simple act could have had such a strong impact on his wife.
• If we are uncertain as to whether we have stayed long enough in the process, we can always ask, “Is there more that you wanted to say?” We know a speaker has received adequate empathy when (1) we sense a release of tension, or (2) the flow of words comes to a halt.
• It’s harder to empathize with those who appear to possess more power, status, or resources.
• We “say a lot” by listening for other people’s feelings and needs.
• Rather than put your “but” in the face of an angry person, empathize.
• Thus, if an aunt is repeating the story about how twenty years ago her husband deserted her and her two small children, we might interrupt by saying, “So, Auntie, it sounds like you are still feeling hurt, wishing you’d been treated more fairly.” People are not aware that empathy is often what they are needing. Neither do they realize that they are more likely to receive that empathy by expressing the feelings and needs that are alive in them than by recounting tales of past injustice and hardship.
• Our ability to offer empathy can allow us to stay vulnerable, defuse potential violence, hear the word no without taking it as a rejection, revive a lifeless conversation, and even hear the feelings and needs expressed through silence. Time and again, people transcend the paralyzing effects of psychological pain when they have sufficient contact with someone who can hear them empathically.
• When we hear another person’s feelings and needs, we recognize our common humanity.
• Fear of corporal punishment obscures children’s awareness of the compassion underlying their parents’ demands.
• Later I decided to practice empathy toward other drivers and was rewarded with a gratifying first experience. I was stuck behind a car going far below the speed limit and slowing down at every intersection. Fuming and grumbling, “That’s no way to drive,” I noticed the stress I was causing myself and shifted my thinking instead to what the other driver might be feeling and needing. I sensed that the person was lost, feeling confused, and wishing for some patience from those of us following. When the road widened enough for me to pass, I saw that the driver was a woman who looked to be in her eighties with an expression of terror on her face. I was pleased that my attempt at empathy had kept me from honking the horn or engaging in my customary tactics of displaying displeasure toward people whose driving bothered me.

Anger and Conflict Resolution

• When I encountered people or behaviors I either didn’t like or didn’t understand, I would react in terms of their wrongness. If my teachers assigned a task I didn’t want to do, they were “mean” or “unreasonable.” If someone pulled out in front of me in traffic, my reaction would be, “You idiot!”
• Expressing our vulnerability can help resolve conflicts.
• Studies in labor-management negotiations demonstrate that the time required to reach conflict resolution is cut in half when each negotiator agrees, before responding, to accurately repeat what the previous speaker had said.
• Never to put your ‘but’ in the face of an angry person?
• The first step to fully expressing anger in NVC is to divorce the other person from any responsibility for our anger. We rid ourselves of thoughts such as, “He (or she or they) made me angry when they did that.” Such thinking leads us to express our anger superficially by blaming or punishing the other person. Earlier we saw that the behavior of others may be a stimulus for our feelings, but not the cause.
• At the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled. Thus anger can be valuable if we use it as an alarm clock to wake us up—to realize we have a need that isn’t being met and that we are thinking in a way that makes it unlikely to be met. To fully express anger requires full consciousness of our need. In addition, energy is required to get the need met. Anger, however, co-opts our energy by directing it toward punishing people rather than meeting our needs. Instead of engaging in “righteous indignation,” I recommend connecting empathically with our own needs or those of others. This may take extensive practice, whereby over and over again, we consciously replace the phrase “I am angry because they … ” with “I am angry because I am needing … ”
• Violence comes from the belief that other people cause our pain and therefore deserve punishment.
• Steps to expressing anger: 1. Stop. Breathe. 2. Identify our judgmental thoughts. 3. Connect with our needs. 4. Express our feelings and unmet needs.
• The four steps to expressing anger are (1) stop and breathe, (2) identify our judgmental thoughts, (3) connect with our needs, and (4) express our feelings and unmet needs. Sometimes, in between steps 3 and 4, we may choose to empathize with the other person so that he or she will be better able to hear us when we express ourselves in step 4.
• Punitive action, on the other hand, is based on the assumption that people commit offenses because they are bad or evil, and to correct the situation, they need to be made to repent. Their “correction” is undertaken through punitive action designed to make them (1) suffer enough to see the error of their ways, (2) repent, and (3) change. In practice, however, punitive action, rather than evoking repentance and learning, is just as likely to generate resentment and hostility and to reinforce resistance to the very behavior we are seeking.

Gratitude and Celebration

• Saying “thank you” in NVC: “This is what you did; this is what I feel; this is the need of mine that was met.”
• One evening when I pointed out his failure to perform a house chore, my son Brett retorted, “Dad, are you aware how often you bring up what’s gone wrong but almost never bring up what’s gone right?” His observation stayed with me. I realized how I was continually searching for improvements, while barely stopping to celebrate things that were going well. I had just completed a workshop with more than a hundred participants, all of whom had evaluated it very highly, with the exception of one person. However, what lingered in my mind was that one person’s dissatisfaction.